My Consciousness
The real meaning of womyn’s solidarity came into my life quite unexpectedly. It was a process that unfolded during the first few months after I had moved to Taiwan to teach English a year and-a-half ago.
I was surprised to find that in a matter of a 12-hour plane ride the world I had navigated as a womyn was drastically altered. The rules I was used to playing by no longer existed, and I definitely wasn’t in Idaho anymore. I was not in any way prepared to deal with the gender dynamic that would become conspicuously clear within a few weeks of my arrival on that tiny island.
Nothing had changed about me; I hadn’t grown a third eye, or even a third leg! However, I found that my identity as a white Western womyn had made my existence obsolete; this characteristic alone in Taiwan makes me undesirable to most Western men. Let me explain further. In Taiwan, the white man and Taiwanese womyn couple is so trite, it’s boring. White men, even the unattractive ones, are deified; and this isn’t an overstatement. Many Taiwanese womyn adore white guys; and there’s never a shortage of Taiwanese womyn to let them know just how cool they really are. It must also be mentioned that because of patriarchal and racist conditioning, Western men often view Asian womyn as more docile and easily controlled than womyn from their own countries. For men who want to date womyn who are perceived as being more submissive, dating Taiwanese womyn is the obvious choice.
Because so much of our unconscious socialization tells us that the way to derive our self-worth is by attracting male attention, the conspicuous coupling of white Western men and Taiwanese womyn is actually a difficult situation for many Western womyn to come to terms with. While Western men are consumed with Taiwanese womyn, this kind of attention is a futile pursuit.
It’s not just that we are not desired by Western men; I saw a lot of Western men behave egregiously towards women. It is such a common occurrence that I started keeping a record of what I heard and saw. Because I didn’t live in my sheltered Idaho bubble anymore, the men I was around weren’t held accountable for their dominating behavior and misogynistic comments. An example of the not-too-uncommon thought process of many Western men I encountered is a guy I knew who said that he wanted a Filipina girlfriend who would sit on the beach, watch him surf, and simultaneously serve him drinks. In other words, he wants a womyn who derives her identity through him, and whose primary purpose in life is to glorify his existence. This is the kind of thinking I constantly found myself incurring, and I often felt that I was the only one who found it appalling.
Something else that my girlfriends and I had curiously discovered is that while Western men don’t want us, they don’t want Taiwanese guys to have us either. Whenever my girlfriend and I had expressed interest in Taiwanese men, there was never a shortage of white guys who’d tell us why it would never work. For example, one man said, “You know what they say about their penis size isn’t a myth.” Another man said that if we didn’t shave our legs they wouldn’t want us, either.
But it’s not just that they ignore us, and behave egregiously, it runs deeper than this. I’ve said to some of my male co-workers that I think that they have the liberty to get away with a lot more than I do. It’s a feeling that I have, and it’s hard to articulate exactly what I mean by this feeling. I just know that had I come to Asia a white man I would have had a lot more privilege and it would have been a lot easier for me to exist there.
Living in an even more patriarchal environment than I was used to, and watching men repeatedly debase womyn, I needed my girls more than ever. However, I found myself very alone when I needed to connect with womyn the most. I needed to find new ways of interacting with and relating to womyn. To do this, I needed to let go of my attachment to desiring male attention.
The Male Gaze
I feel that to fully articulate my experiences navigating our gendered world, I need to broach the subject of the male gaze, and my relationship with it.
The year before I left for Taiwan, I curiously found myself occupying a status that I had never known before. I, for reasons beyond my comprehension, found myself a new object of the male gaze. I had never really been aware of the forces of the gaze, but they entered my world and I wasn’t prepared to deal with their consequences.
I’d never been ugly, but I had never been THAT girl, you know, the one that all the guys are crazy about. However, for some reason, I had become her. The gaze was ubiquitous; it followed me wherever I went. I knew I could walk into almost any room and get male attention. Maybe I had “grown into” my looks, maybe I was putting out a new energy, or perhaps I had semi-consciously found a part of myself that I didn’t know had existed before. Whatever the cause of my newfound self, it was there, and I didn’t deal with it easily. As silly as this sounds, I wasn’t comfortable being attractive, and I definitely wasn’t comfortable with the objectification inherent in the gaze.
A lot of the time I desperately wanted it to go far far away, and I didn’t really have anybody I could talk to about what I was experiencing because let’s face it, who wants to hear someone lament the fact that they are too attractive. But, I did have one male friend who I could talk to, and I used to say to him, “I just want to be disfigured so they’ll quit looking at me.” And, he always responded, “Yeah, but the reverse reality is far worse.”
On the other hand, some of the time I loved the attention because it made me feel powerful (often times one of the only ways womyn are able to derive power in this patriarchal world); I had the ability to make men desire me. It gave me a sense of self-worth at a time when I didn’t really feel that I had a lot to offer the opposite sex. However, the high I got was fleeting, and it left me empty. I wanted so much more for myself. Sure being attractive is a bonus, but I wanted recognition for my subjective self; I didn’t want to be purely an object of desire. And, I was all-too-cognoscente of the fact that I wouldn’t have this “worth” forever, looks fade.
My uncomfortable relationship with my newfound desirability also transcended into my uncomfortable thought process about other womyn. I had never this consciously compared myself to other womyn, however, I found myself doing it left and right. I was increasingly comparing myself to womyn, and often times, thinking that I was more attractive and desirable. This poisonous mentality really put a divide between the womyn I encountered and myself (how can it not?). I wasn’t comfortable with my thought process or behavior, but I didn’t really know how to deal with what was going on in my life.
Fortunately, the male gaze has become a nonissue in Taiwan. It took some getting used to at first because I was used to having this attention. But, it was exactly the elimination of this force that allowed me to start putting my energy into fostering better relationships with the womyn already in my life, and the womyn I met. I’ve learned that the desire to attract male attention puts a divide between myself and the womyn I’m around because as long as I am focused on being desirable to men, I don’t put my energy toward talking to and connecting with womyn. In addition, as long as we want to attract male attention, we can’t help but see our sisters as competition for this recognition.
Fostering Solidarity
I’ve really opened my “door” to the womyn I meet. What I mean by opening my door is that I make an attempt to acknowledge their presence. This can be a gesture as simple as smiling and saying hello. Even if I encounter an unfriendly womyn, I still try to break down the wall between her and me. I really try to see the beauty in the womyn I meet. This really helps me identify with them. My words and actions don’t have to be a big political statement, or labeled as such. I’ve found that just setting into motion a few simple actions, makes all the difference.
However, it isn’t always easy for me to be open to the womyn I meet. This is especially true on days when I’m feeling insecure or unattractive (which was easy for me to feel in Asia). I sometimes think, “Oh god, she’s prettier than me. Or, the guys will like her more,” but, I say hi and talk to her anyways. I constantly fight against the root of this divisive thought process.
I am also finding the courage to talk about the inequality I see and experience based on my gender. This has allowed me to establish connections with some of the womyn I have met. Actually, coming into contact with people from diverse backgrounds and nationalities, I have realized that this is one way to establish connections. While I often feel repudiated by many Western men because I don’t go along with their little charade, I take the energy I would spend on them to develop and foster relationships with womyn. By opening up and sharing my thought processes, I have been able to make friends.
Letting go of the fear I had of speaking about what I see has really been a positive force in my life. Even if my words are met with hostile reactions, I still say what I need to, and this alone, is powerful. Furthermore, I know that although it may initially appear that my words fall on unreceptive ears, they may resonate later, and make a difference in the thought processes and actions of the womyn I talk to. It comes down to the pure fact that I have to put trust in myself, and believe that my words are valuable. This is never easy to do when you exist in a way that goes against prescribed notions of how the world works or is “supposed” to work. I have to tell myself over and over again that I have the right to exist and my words are powerfully important. It’s only by doing this that I find the real courage to face my condition.
One of my favorite things to do with womyn is to put together clothing exchanges. I got the idea from my womyn friends in Idaho. The idea is simple; everyone cleans out their closets and brings a bag full of clothes they don’t want anymore. The clothes are put into a pile and everyone picks the clothes they want and tries them on. For my 28th birthday in Taiwan, I had about four or five womyn over for a clothing exchange. I didn’t call it anything like “The Feminist Clothing Swap;” I just said come over with your unwanted clothes and chill. The evening was really very revolutionary for me, here was a group of womyn from Canada, the U.S., and New Zealand sharing clothes, and talking about our diverse bodies! Saying things to each other like, “This would look good on you because your figure is curvaceous, or you don’t have any boobs so try this one on.” It’s revolutionary because we aren’t supposed to communicate so freely with each other outside the confines of the male presence.
In addition, I have begun to share more openly my experiences navigating this gendered landscape with the womyn already in my life. This, I feel, brings us closer. I think the more we talk and share, the more others feel empowered to do the same. Furthermore, I read mostly feminist literature, and instead of hoarding my books, I send them to my girlfriends at home, or shared them with the womyn I met there. Information sharing is a revolutionary act, and helps to bring us closer.
The real meaning of womyn’s solidarity came into my life quite unexpectedly. It was a process that unfolded during the first few months after I had moved to Taiwan to teach English a year and-a-half ago.
I was surprised to find that in a matter of a 12-hour plane ride the world I had navigated as a womyn was drastically altered. The rules I was used to playing by no longer existed, and I definitely wasn’t in Idaho anymore. I was not in any way prepared to deal with the gender dynamic that would become conspicuously clear within a few weeks of my arrival on that tiny island.
Nothing had changed about me; I hadn’t grown a third eye, or even a third leg! However, I found that my identity as a white Western womyn had made my existence obsolete; this characteristic alone in Taiwan makes me undesirable to most Western men. Let me explain further. In Taiwan, the white man and Taiwanese womyn couple is so trite, it’s boring. White men, even the unattractive ones, are deified; and this isn’t an overstatement. Many Taiwanese womyn adore white guys; and there’s never a shortage of Taiwanese womyn to let them know just how cool they really are. It must also be mentioned that because of patriarchal and racist conditioning, Western men often view Asian womyn as more docile and easily controlled than womyn from their own countries. For men who want to date womyn who are perceived as being more submissive, dating Taiwanese womyn is the obvious choice.
Because so much of our unconscious socialization tells us that the way to derive our self-worth is by attracting male attention, the conspicuous coupling of white Western men and Taiwanese womyn is actually a difficult situation for many Western womyn to come to terms with. While Western men are consumed with Taiwanese womyn, this kind of attention is a futile pursuit.
It’s not just that we are not desired by Western men; I saw a lot of Western men behave egregiously towards women. It is such a common occurrence that I started keeping a record of what I heard and saw. Because I didn’t live in my sheltered Idaho bubble anymore, the men I was around weren’t held accountable for their dominating behavior and misogynistic comments. An example of the not-too-uncommon thought process of many Western men I encountered is a guy I knew who said that he wanted a Filipina girlfriend who would sit on the beach, watch him surf, and simultaneously serve him drinks. In other words, he wants a womyn who derives her identity through him, and whose primary purpose in life is to glorify his existence. This is the kind of thinking I constantly found myself incurring, and I often felt that I was the only one who found it appalling.
Something else that my girlfriends and I had curiously discovered is that while Western men don’t want us, they don’t want Taiwanese guys to have us either. Whenever my girlfriend and I had expressed interest in Taiwanese men, there was never a shortage of white guys who’d tell us why it would never work. For example, one man said, “You know what they say about their penis size isn’t a myth.” Another man said that if we didn’t shave our legs they wouldn’t want us, either.
But it’s not just that they ignore us, and behave egregiously, it runs deeper than this. I’ve said to some of my male co-workers that I think that they have the liberty to get away with a lot more than I do. It’s a feeling that I have, and it’s hard to articulate exactly what I mean by this feeling. I just know that had I come to Asia a white man I would have had a lot more privilege and it would have been a lot easier for me to exist there.
Living in an even more patriarchal environment than I was used to, and watching men repeatedly debase womyn, I needed my girls more than ever. However, I found myself very alone when I needed to connect with womyn the most. I needed to find new ways of interacting with and relating to womyn. To do this, I needed to let go of my attachment to desiring male attention.
The Male Gaze
I feel that to fully articulate my experiences navigating our gendered world, I need to broach the subject of the male gaze, and my relationship with it.
The year before I left for Taiwan, I curiously found myself occupying a status that I had never known before. I, for reasons beyond my comprehension, found myself a new object of the male gaze. I had never really been aware of the forces of the gaze, but they entered my world and I wasn’t prepared to deal with their consequences.
I’d never been ugly, but I had never been THAT girl, you know, the one that all the guys are crazy about. However, for some reason, I had become her. The gaze was ubiquitous; it followed me wherever I went. I knew I could walk into almost any room and get male attention. Maybe I had “grown into” my looks, maybe I was putting out a new energy, or perhaps I had semi-consciously found a part of myself that I didn’t know had existed before. Whatever the cause of my newfound self, it was there, and I didn’t deal with it easily. As silly as this sounds, I wasn’t comfortable being attractive, and I definitely wasn’t comfortable with the objectification inherent in the gaze.
A lot of the time I desperately wanted it to go far far away, and I didn’t really have anybody I could talk to about what I was experiencing because let’s face it, who wants to hear someone lament the fact that they are too attractive. But, I did have one male friend who I could talk to, and I used to say to him, “I just want to be disfigured so they’ll quit looking at me.” And, he always responded, “Yeah, but the reverse reality is far worse.”
On the other hand, some of the time I loved the attention because it made me feel powerful (often times one of the only ways womyn are able to derive power in this patriarchal world); I had the ability to make men desire me. It gave me a sense of self-worth at a time when I didn’t really feel that I had a lot to offer the opposite sex. However, the high I got was fleeting, and it left me empty. I wanted so much more for myself. Sure being attractive is a bonus, but I wanted recognition for my subjective self; I didn’t want to be purely an object of desire. And, I was all-too-cognoscente of the fact that I wouldn’t have this “worth” forever, looks fade.
My uncomfortable relationship with my newfound desirability also transcended into my uncomfortable thought process about other womyn. I had never this consciously compared myself to other womyn, however, I found myself doing it left and right. I was increasingly comparing myself to womyn, and often times, thinking that I was more attractive and desirable. This poisonous mentality really put a divide between the womyn I encountered and myself (how can it not?). I wasn’t comfortable with my thought process or behavior, but I didn’t really know how to deal with what was going on in my life.
Fortunately, the male gaze has become a nonissue in Taiwan. It took some getting used to at first because I was used to having this attention. But, it was exactly the elimination of this force that allowed me to start putting my energy into fostering better relationships with the womyn already in my life, and the womyn I met. I’ve learned that the desire to attract male attention puts a divide between myself and the womyn I’m around because as long as I am focused on being desirable to men, I don’t put my energy toward talking to and connecting with womyn. In addition, as long as we want to attract male attention, we can’t help but see our sisters as competition for this recognition.
Fostering Solidarity
I’ve really opened my “door” to the womyn I meet. What I mean by opening my door is that I make an attempt to acknowledge their presence. This can be a gesture as simple as smiling and saying hello. Even if I encounter an unfriendly womyn, I still try to break down the wall between her and me. I really try to see the beauty in the womyn I meet. This really helps me identify with them. My words and actions don’t have to be a big political statement, or labeled as such. I’ve found that just setting into motion a few simple actions, makes all the difference.
However, it isn’t always easy for me to be open to the womyn I meet. This is especially true on days when I’m feeling insecure or unattractive (which was easy for me to feel in Asia). I sometimes think, “Oh god, she’s prettier than me. Or, the guys will like her more,” but, I say hi and talk to her anyways. I constantly fight against the root of this divisive thought process.
I am also finding the courage to talk about the inequality I see and experience based on my gender. This has allowed me to establish connections with some of the womyn I have met. Actually, coming into contact with people from diverse backgrounds and nationalities, I have realized that this is one way to establish connections. While I often feel repudiated by many Western men because I don’t go along with their little charade, I take the energy I would spend on them to develop and foster relationships with womyn. By opening up and sharing my thought processes, I have been able to make friends.
Letting go of the fear I had of speaking about what I see has really been a positive force in my life. Even if my words are met with hostile reactions, I still say what I need to, and this alone, is powerful. Furthermore, I know that although it may initially appear that my words fall on unreceptive ears, they may resonate later, and make a difference in the thought processes and actions of the womyn I talk to. It comes down to the pure fact that I have to put trust in myself, and believe that my words are valuable. This is never easy to do when you exist in a way that goes against prescribed notions of how the world works or is “supposed” to work. I have to tell myself over and over again that I have the right to exist and my words are powerfully important. It’s only by doing this that I find the real courage to face my condition.
One of my favorite things to do with womyn is to put together clothing exchanges. I got the idea from my womyn friends in Idaho. The idea is simple; everyone cleans out their closets and brings a bag full of clothes they don’t want anymore. The clothes are put into a pile and everyone picks the clothes they want and tries them on. For my 28th birthday in Taiwan, I had about four or five womyn over for a clothing exchange. I didn’t call it anything like “The Feminist Clothing Swap;” I just said come over with your unwanted clothes and chill. The evening was really very revolutionary for me, here was a group of womyn from Canada, the U.S., and New Zealand sharing clothes, and talking about our diverse bodies! Saying things to each other like, “This would look good on you because your figure is curvaceous, or you don’t have any boobs so try this one on.” It’s revolutionary because we aren’t supposed to communicate so freely with each other outside the confines of the male presence.
In addition, I have begun to share more openly my experiences navigating this gendered landscape with the womyn already in my life. This, I feel, brings us closer. I think the more we talk and share, the more others feel empowered to do the same. Furthermore, I read mostly feminist literature, and instead of hoarding my books, I send them to my girlfriends at home, or shared them with the womyn I met there. Information sharing is a revolutionary act, and helps to bring us closer.
The Struggle
It was difficult for me in Taiwan because the community of strong, like-minded womyn who had helped me to develop and nurture my feminist consciousness did not exist there. And, outside of one or two girlfriends, I didn’t ever find a similar community. Therefore, I had to constantly find ways to keep myself strong and one of the ways I did this (and still do in the U.S.) is to stand up for myself as a womyn. This helps me to not internalize the myriad reminders I receive on a regular basis that based on my biology alone, I am inferior.
It was a struggle there because I constantly found myself in situations where I was the only one with my consciousness (or at least it seemed that way on the surface). I was very hesitant to socialize with other foreigners (mostly non-Taiwanese white folks) because I often wanted to scream, “Doesn’t anybody else see this behavior and think it’s wrong? Am I the only one?”
However, every once in a while I had to socialize because I’d go crazy if I didn’t have some sort of human interaction, after all, we are social beings. One time I found myself in a room full of thirty-something Western men. They were sitting around drinking, and shooting the shit. The conversation was pretty vapid, consisting mostly of talk about video games, and other mindless topics. Then, a Canadian man informed the other guys that they had saved his life because he had gotten through his most recent trauma by playing the video games they had supplied him with. To illustrate his point more clearly, he made a fist and started hitting the air, simultaneously “fucking bitch, cunt, pow, pow!” unapologetically escaped his mouth.
Naturally appalled, I said, “I find that language completely offensive, so please don’t use it.” “Well, I’m an offensive guy” was his response. One of the other guys then supported my statement when he said, “I think that’s a fair request.”
Of course, I wasn’t going to do anything to change his mind or his behavior, but I said what I had to for my sake. I exercised my right to use my voice, and I was pleasantly surprised that the other guy had my back. I know it isn’t always easy for men to stand up to other men who are degrading womyn, especially given every man’s misogynistic socialization. But, it’s important, you know? We need the men in our lives to support our desire to be whole people and to be respected. For somebody who doesn’t understand why I find bitch and cunt offensive, I liken it to me referring to the non-white person beside me as nigger or chink. To me, there IS no difference. Not to mention the offense I took to him simulating violence towards womyn with his punching motions.
This brings me to another point, I can only have solidarity with womyn who want to reciprocally indentify with and support me. One of the main struggles in fostering female solidarity is other womyn, I’ve found. As long as womyn gain their self worth from male approval and present themselves as sex objects, the jealous and competitive behavior so pervasive in womyn’s interactions will prevail. Letting go of our identities as sex objects, I believe, is the first step to a more free existence with our sisters.
Living and surviving in a patriarchal world that denies me my right to exist and be my own person for myself is very difficult. I need other womyn around me that support me and understand the importance of fulfilling all of our potentials for ourselves. Only by being connected to this vision for myself can I reach for this life, and help other womyn do the same.
It was difficult for me in Taiwan because the community of strong, like-minded womyn who had helped me to develop and nurture my feminist consciousness did not exist there. And, outside of one or two girlfriends, I didn’t ever find a similar community. Therefore, I had to constantly find ways to keep myself strong and one of the ways I did this (and still do in the U.S.) is to stand up for myself as a womyn. This helps me to not internalize the myriad reminders I receive on a regular basis that based on my biology alone, I am inferior.
It was a struggle there because I constantly found myself in situations where I was the only one with my consciousness (or at least it seemed that way on the surface). I was very hesitant to socialize with other foreigners (mostly non-Taiwanese white folks) because I often wanted to scream, “Doesn’t anybody else see this behavior and think it’s wrong? Am I the only one?”
However, every once in a while I had to socialize because I’d go crazy if I didn’t have some sort of human interaction, after all, we are social beings. One time I found myself in a room full of thirty-something Western men. They were sitting around drinking, and shooting the shit. The conversation was pretty vapid, consisting mostly of talk about video games, and other mindless topics. Then, a Canadian man informed the other guys that they had saved his life because he had gotten through his most recent trauma by playing the video games they had supplied him with. To illustrate his point more clearly, he made a fist and started hitting the air, simultaneously “fucking bitch, cunt, pow, pow!” unapologetically escaped his mouth.
Naturally appalled, I said, “I find that language completely offensive, so please don’t use it.” “Well, I’m an offensive guy” was his response. One of the other guys then supported my statement when he said, “I think that’s a fair request.”
Of course, I wasn’t going to do anything to change his mind or his behavior, but I said what I had to for my sake. I exercised my right to use my voice, and I was pleasantly surprised that the other guy had my back. I know it isn’t always easy for men to stand up to other men who are degrading womyn, especially given every man’s misogynistic socialization. But, it’s important, you know? We need the men in our lives to support our desire to be whole people and to be respected. For somebody who doesn’t understand why I find bitch and cunt offensive, I liken it to me referring to the non-white person beside me as nigger or chink. To me, there IS no difference. Not to mention the offense I took to him simulating violence towards womyn with his punching motions.
This brings me to another point, I can only have solidarity with womyn who want to reciprocally indentify with and support me. One of the main struggles in fostering female solidarity is other womyn, I’ve found. As long as womyn gain their self worth from male approval and present themselves as sex objects, the jealous and competitive behavior so pervasive in womyn’s interactions will prevail. Letting go of our identities as sex objects, I believe, is the first step to a more free existence with our sisters.
Living and surviving in a patriarchal world that denies me my right to exist and be my own person for myself is very difficult. I need other womyn around me that support me and understand the importance of fulfilling all of our potentials for ourselves. Only by being connected to this vision for myself can I reach for this life, and help other womyn do the same.
~ Carissa Sindon
2007
womynsolidarity@gmail.com
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